A Relational Inventory

I’ve just recently discovered Marie Kondo and her KonMariTM methods for decluttering physical space. As someone on the packrat end of the tidiness spectrum, I need all the help I can get when it comes to decluttering. Putting her principles into action, I’m slowly tackling my physical workspace, and the outcome is already producing benefits.

I see similarities between the work Ms. Kondo does and our work here at Second Rodeo. She deals primarily with physical clutter and order. We deal primarily with cognitive and emotional clutter and order.

A Second Rodeo is more an opportunity to craft a new lifestyle than a plan to keep busy after a primary career. My clients are typically seeking:

• More freedom

• More contentment

• More satisfaction

• Less frustration

To create that new lifestyle, we must be willing to examine every facet of life. Not everything in “sparks joy,” to use Ms. Kondo’s great catchphrase. As we evolve and grow, our needs change. Yet we may retain emotional attachments to people, places and things that are no longer fulfilling or even healthy.

One of the most challenging areas to sort through? Relationships. Here’s an exercise that can move your closer to your Second Rodeo lifestyle. Think of it as a relational inventory.

To be clear, I’m not advocating a wholesale purging of relationships. Loneliness is consistently cited as a factor in declining health for older adults. We need the right people in our lives, both now and in the future.

Let’s start by making a list of those with whom you currently have the most interaction. My list included people from work, neighbors, family, and those I recreate with. If you need a target, shoot for twenty-five. Once you have that list, how might you categorize each relationship? Again, this is just as a mental exercise for now.

Relationships that will inevitably change

It’s easy to underestimate the relational cost of leaving our primary career. At farewells, retirement parties and such, we all make promises to “stay in touch, to not be a stranger,” etc. But once I leave, once my relationship to others changes, it’s a shock to find that most of those relationships evaporate.

We might expect this if we are making a geographical move, leaving long-term relationships behind. When I left a highly relational role where I’d been for over twelve years, I wrongly assumed I would stay in touch with a lot of people since we were staying in the area. The reality was surprising and to be honest, hurtful. What I had viewed as friendships were simply transactional relationships to many. I had filled a role in their life. So they naturally moved on when I was no longer filling that role. It would have been helpful to have known that before making the transition, just to manage my own expectations.

Business owners feel this deeply, not fully understanding how many of their relationships are a result of the role they fulfill in their business and community. Those relationships tend to dissolve once our role changes and the sudden void can be disorienting.

Relationships that might better be left behind

This category is tricky, but we need to consider it. Most of us have relationships that no longer serve us.

• One-sided relationships–The other person needs or expects something from me, and there’s not much benefit flowing back my way.

• Toxic People–Most of us work hard to improve these relationships, sometimes long after the evidence says we aren’t going to “fix it.” This may involve both immediate and extended family. I would never advise anyone on which relationships to end or severely limit. I will say that I’ve found a lot more emotional health since I let go of a handful of relationships that were demonstrably unhealthy over a long period of time.

Relationships I want to maintain or enhance

When I think about my own long-term relationships, some have endured just because they are “easy” while others have survived because both parties have chosen to prioritize and work on them. That means that “low maintenance’ may not be the sole criteria for enduring relationships.

After spending an enjoyable evening with long-time friends, we asked ourselves why we only connected with them four or five times a year. Our reasons, of course, were mostly excuses. Knowing these are people we want in our lives long-term, we decided to be more proactive in initiating time together.

Couples might begin a Second Rodeo by intentionally working to close the gaps that appear after decades of living virtually separate lives. Deciding how much time to spend together while also pursuing individual interests might take a while, but it’s an important topic to understand.

Relationships I need for the next leg of the journey

I’m a product of that uniquely American mythical ideal of rugged individualism, independence, and self-reliance so this idea of “needing” people still feels weird. This flawed ideal has sometimes hindered me in seeking out mutually beneficial relationships that would further enrich my life. I’m fortunate to have a healthy, long-term marriage and fulfilling relationships with my daughters and their husbands. But I still need more reciprocal relationships in my life.

The older we get, the harder it becomes to build friendships. But to quote from one of my favorite movies, “Hard is what makes it great.” At this stage of life, we may be trading dozens of casual acquaintances for a few quality relationships with people who understand and appreciate us. I’ll leave it to you to create your own list of what’s missing from your life. My list includes people who make me laugh, who radiate positivity, and who love learning and thinking about big ideas. Those who are perpetually disgruntled and who quit growing years ago won’t make the cut.

What did you discover in your relational inventory? Which category most surprised you? People tend to pay far more attention to their financial reality as they move closer to a new chapter. Paying attention to every facet of our current reality, including relationships, is another productive step in creating a joyful, fulfilling lifestyle for the next season of life.

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