Lessons From the Past

Ever notice how much of our lives we spend wishing we were at a different place on life’s timeline? When I was a child, I thought teenagers were the coolest people ever. I couldn’t wait to drive and have a girlfriend. But when I became a teenager, I couldn’t wait to be an adult. When I was single, I couldn’t wait to be married. After we married, I wanted to be a parent. Whatever stage of life was next, that’s where I wanted to be, never paying much attention to the present.

How often have you said something like this?

• When I have more money…

• When I get that promotion…

• When things slow down…

• When we get the kids out of college…

And so it goes for most of us. We tend to downplay or ignore the lessons and opportunities in the present, set in our belief that then will be better than now. Peloton instructor, Robin Arzon, frequently asks her classes, “Remember when you wished for what you have now?"

In a culture obsessed with youth and beauty, it’s easy to get distracted with the externals of aging. It’s the rare individual who is content to let their face reflect their actual age. My primary concern is less about what’s going on outwardly, and more about what’s going on internally.

In our rush toward whatever is next, we can easily forget to learn the lessons that this season, the one we’re in right now, is willing to teach us. I suspect this is especially true in the time of Covid.

This business of being human is a continual process of growth and change. Parents expect their children to grow physically. If they don’t, it’s cause for concern. We expect forty-year-olds to exhibit more emotional intelligence and maturity than teenagers, but unfortunately, that isn’t always the case. While we may be disappointed when we see a lack of growth in others, I’m not sure most of us are equipped to accurately measure whether our own attitudes and perspectives are advancing.

I’ve had an expectation for quite a while that as I aged, I would become less self-centered, more patient, and somehow wiser. I can’t tell you where that expectation come from. Am I making progress? Maybe. Are these beliefs commonly held by others? I’m not sure. I certainly know some of my generational peers who seem to be growing more impatient, more self-focused, and less concerned for others. I suppose we each must decide what, if anything, we’re going to expect from ourselves in the next season of life. Like a garden, what will we cultivate and what will we pull up by the roots?

What expectations do you hold about how you will change as you grow chronologically older? Do you grow alarmed if you don’t see evidence of emotional, spiritual, or relational growth?

Unfortunately, time is still linear, and it only flows one direction. We can’t get back those seasons when we longed to be someone else or somewhere else. What we can do is tap into our past experiences to see how they shaped us. Here’s an exercise, The Experience Audit, that’s simple to understand but be prepared. It can be hard for some people to maintain focus long enough to glean any benefit from it.

Take a blank sheet of paper and draw a horizontal line across the page, your birth date on the left, undetermined date of death on the right. Now create some kind of time measure. I use decades as my ruler. The first section might signify ages birth to ten, then eleven to twenty and so forth. Mark where you are currently on the timeline of your life. Above the line, list the biggest accomplishments of that decade. Below the line, list the losses, disappointments, or outright failures for that same period of time. Continue up to your current decade. Take a break.

Now comes the hard part. How did these events shape you? By now your timeline is probably looking pretty crowded, so it may be easier to capture these insights in a notebook. You’ll probably need more than one session for this. Reflecting is hard work. It will pay off, so stick with it.

Humans do not spontaneously change. We are changed by our interactions with:

• Joys and successes

• Pain and suffering

• Relationships, both pleasant and painful

• Challenges and hardships

• Moments that bring our deepest values into clarity

Some of this reflection will make you smile and feel gratitude. Some might bring embarrassment, even shame. Sit with it. Take it all in. The poem “Guest House,” by thirteenth century poet and Sufi mystic, Rumi, comes to mind right now.

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

Wisdom is not earned simply by putting in a lot of years. It only comes from reflecting on our experiences. As you reflect on the highs and the lows of your life thus far, I suspect you will see both where your experiences have changed you, and perhaps even patterns that will tell you who you are becoming. Life is too precious to float with the tide. While we can’t control the circumstances around us, we can take responsibility for our attitudes, actions and reactions.

This is an important step in identifying our Second Rodeo. By doing the hard work of reflection, I find out who I really am, not who I used to be or who I wish to be. Knowing who I am right now is the only way to know where I need to invest my time, energy, and passions next.

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