No Regrets
Twenty years ago, I wrote a book on finishing well, not just in a career, but in life. That book is no longer in print and was never a best seller. Still, that book means a lot to me because it marks the beginning of my own desire to live with a different perspective–shifting the focus away from self and instead focusing on making a difference in the lives of others and the world at large. If you’ve been reading these posts for a while, you’ll recognize this as a recurring theme of mine.
The catalyst for that book was some research at the beginning of the millennium that showed how many people experienced deep regret in the final years of life. I was both shocked and a bit skeptical. I’m sure one reason for both reactions was that twenty years ago, I had not yet done much self-reflection on my personal past.
So I conducted my own research. I interviewed adults past the age of 65 who, by all the usual measurements, had been successful. Some were people who had deeply impacted my own life. Surely, I thought, these people have no regrets. I asked a simple question. “When you reflect back on your life, what memories stand out?”
Only a handful started by reflecting on past achievements. Most immediately started talking about their deepest regrets, and even the ones reminiscing about past successes got there quickly. Regrets about:
• Lost relationships
• Parenting mistakes
• Missed opportunities
• Giving in to fears
• Personal failures
Those interviews led me to identify some principles and practices that I thought would help people reach the later years of life and look back without regrets. After twenty years of living with this topic (and my solutions, which I put into practice in my own life) I realize I was overly optimistic and even simplistic. I now suspect it’s inevitable that we’ll all have some regrets.
• None of us are perfect
• All of us have hurt people
• All of us have given the energy of our lives to things that, in hindsight, seem unimportant now.
Seven Habits of Highly Effective People author Stephen Covey taught us to, “Begin with the end in mind.” One way to do this is to identify the legacy we want to leave, then live in such a way that we create it. Our legacy is created by the cumulative decisions we make day by day.
A Second Rodeo is a chance for a fresh start. Once in a while we get the opportunity to completely reinvent ourselves, but only if we’re willing to do some significant work. We may not be able to undo all the mistakes of my past, but I do think it’s possible to refocus and minimize reasons for regret going forward. We do this by deciding now how we want to be remembered later–a legacy.
I’m not talking about a legacy gift–a planned future charitable donation to some cause near and dear to the giver’s heart. If the gift is big enough, you might get a building named after you at your alma mater. If that kind of legacy is important to you, I’ll suggest you discuss it with your financial planner. The legacy I’m talking about can’t be bought, and it can’t be demonstrated through putting your name on something. I’m talking about:
• The impact you hope to leave on this world
• What you hope to be remembered for
• What you’ll leave behind (besides money) when you die that will shape not only your family, but perhaps have an even bigger influence
I’m the first to admit that this topic can create a lot of discomfort. But here’s the reality. If we wait until we’re ready to take an honest look at our current legacy, it may too late to change the narrative of our lives.
There is no Hall of Fame for ordinary people. Ordinary people will not likely be remembered at all beyond family and the people they’ve impacted. The scope and quality of our personal legacy is directly related to the scope and quality of our relationships.
I’ve been at funerals where the minister and selected speakers gave glowing eulogies about the deceased while the family sat there with stoic faces, gritting their teeth at the dramatic contrast between the deceased’s public persona and their personal reality.
Part of what we do at Second Rodeo is help people evaluate and reflect on their true self, their true character and when needed, do the hard work of becoming better people and investing in the future of others. Regardless of who remembers us after we’re dead, more than anything, this is a chance for us to change our focus, change our behaviors, and change those attitudes that will magnify the impact of our life when we die.
A Second Rodeo coaching engagement is a chance to explore the current and potentially future impact of one’s life in a guided, safe environment. The sooner we begin an intentional reboot, the more time we have to change not only our behavior, but maybe the legacy we’ll leave behind.
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